INT. WEASEL DETECTIVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
A worn-out apartment, underground, downtown New York. WEASEL DETECTIVE, a rugged young prospect straight from Weasel Detective school, enters his front room. He’s just come in from the bathroom – lit steam frames him as he hobbles in. He sits down on the sofa and puts on the TV.
WEASEL DETECTIVE
(sighing)
What a day. Time to put my feet up.
He puts an episode of FERRET DETECTIVE on the TV.
WEASEL DETECTIVE
Nice to unwind with my favourite show. My favourite show.
FERRET DETECTIVE takes out a gun and shoots a criminal’s head straight off.
FERRET DETECTIVE
Seconds, minutes, hours… lifetimes… they are all the same kind of infinity. Earth is the measure of us all. And she is an eternal mother. I have seen the pain in the soul of the universe, and, though I may have been afraid, I had no fear. Inhale. Exhale… jump. Your small family-run business is now safe.
FERRET DETECTIVE gives the small family-run business an interest-free loan.
WEASEL DETECTIVE sighs wistfully.
WEASEL DETECTIVE
(sighing wistfully)
Wow.
INT. POLICE STATION – DAY
A busy police station. Officers pace to and fro across hardwood floors, lit by halogen. OFFICER GUMPTION, a man in charge, is talking to INSPECTOR SNIPE, a woman. She bears no physical resemblance to Sophie Gripe. Critics will widely agree that INSPECTOR SNIPE is not an authorial double.
OFFICER GUMPTION
Snipe.
INSPECTOR SNIPE
Gumption. What’s the latest?
OFFICER GUMPTION
No. Not even close. The way it’s lookin’, you’re gonna be on this case for years.
INSPECTOR SNIPE
Boss, you’re killing me. You’re killing me, boss! You know I need a partner, boss. I can’t do this on my own. And there’s a lot of good grads coming out of Weasel Detective school – let’s give a kid a chance!
OFFICER GUMPTION
A weasel? On this case? I ain’t never even seen no goddamn weasel in my life. Not ONCE!
INSPECTOR SNIPE
Just check the kid out, Gumption. His file’s on the database.
OFFICER GUMPTION
Shit.
OFFICER GUMPTION sits down at his computer. You can’t see his screen. INSPECTOR SNIPE waits patiently. After a few minutes, he stands up.
OFFICER GUMPTION
So, this Weasel Detective. You’re saying this kid scored the highest police points in Weasel Detective school? He ain’t no older than my nephew.
INSPECTOR SNIPE
I was like that once, you know. Young and hungry. Like a wolf. A starving wolf. And now look at me.
OFFICER GUMPTION (sotto voce)
Maybe it's time to pass on the torch…
INSPECTOR SNIPE shifts her weight from foot to foot impatiently.
OFFICER GUMPTION
Fine. Shit. Get the Weasel.
EXT. BROOKLYN – DUSK
A street corner in Brooklyn or somewhere, I don’t know. I’ve never been. A man in a long trench coat waits. He is BENJAMIN BUTTERSCOTCH. A lady with lovely long legs approaches from behind. She is SALLY “LEGS” MALONE.
SALLY MALONE Well well well, if it ain’t Benjamin Butterscotch… the worst criminal ever… BENJAMIN BUTTERSCOTCH What’s it to you, Toots? SALLY MALONE You know what it is, motherfucker.
SALLY “LEGS” MALONE blows his face off with a gun. She looks around and sees that nobody saw her blow his face off with a gun. She escapes.
INT. WEASEL DETECTIVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
WEASEL DETECTIVE is at home. There’s newspapers littered across his floor. A beautiful, naked woman emerges from his bedroom, seductively covering her chest with one of his decorative pillows.
WEASEL DETECTIVE Blimey.
Her name is MISS PAPERWEIGHT. She’s an attractive woman. It’s not clear what she does for work, but we don’t have to think about that. We’re not invited to consider her as existing within an economy. Only an economy of desire.
MISS PAPERWEIGHT Come back to bed, Weasel… WEASEL DETECTIVE I’d love to, I’m just absolutely shattered. MISS PAPERWEIGHT Baby :( WEASEL DETECTIVE Yeah, I’m knackered. I might just go to bed. MISS PAPERWEIGHT (frowning petulantly) Booooooooooo! WEASEL DETECTIVE Alright.
WEASEL DETECTIVE leaves the room. He hobbles over to his kitchen, pops two teabags in a decorative teapot, and flicks the decorative kettle on. He stands whistling for a few minutes while the kettle boils. He picks up his decorative TV remote and turns on the TV. It’s the news.
WEASEL DETECTIVE It’s the news.
It’s the news. The broadcast begins at the exact moment that WEASEL DETECTIVE has turned it on.
NEWSCASTER Evil criminal Benjamin Butterscotch has been murdered today, on a dirty, rotten side street in New York City. WEASEL DETECTIVE New York City. The city of dreams, right? MISS PAPERWEIGHT And nightmares, Weasel Detective. WEASEL DETECTIVE Oh right, yeah. Blimey. Wow. NEWSCASTER We’ve got police officer Officer Gumption here talking to us. OFFICER GUMPTION (on TV) This is bad news. Benjamin Butterscotch was a bad guy, but no one should go out like that. Shit. MISS PAPERWEIGHT Maybe you could help those detectives, Weasey? WEASEL DETECTIVE How far away is it? MISS PAPER WEIGHT The station’s just downtown, baby. WEASEL DETECTIVE Probably won’t then, no.
WEASEL DETECTIVE pours his cup of tea and goes to bed.
EXT. BROOKLYN – MORNING
Police Officers gather around the dead body of BENJAMIN BUTTERSCOTCH. They have cordoned off the area. They smoke cigarettes. INSPECTOR SNIPE stands over the body, smoking.
INSPECTOR SNIPE (smoking) I gotta say, this was one tough bastard. Guy like him won’t be missed. You know, Butterscotch Benny ran this side of town since I was a little kid. Used to see him round up the call girls out my bedroom window. Shit. Even the priest was on his goddamn payroll.
INSPECTOR SNIPE breaks the fourth wall and addresses the camera.
INSPECTOR SNIPE Even I was on his payroll… cop’s gotta make a living in this scum town. OFFICER 1 (smoking) What I gotta know is who would be brave enough to do such a thing? INSPECTOR SNIPE Brave enough? More like nuts enough… this guy’s been running this side of town since I was a little kid. Used to see him round up the call girls out my bedroom window. Shit. Even the mayor was on his payroll. OFFICER 1 What does the evidence say to you? INSPECTOR SNIPE Nothing conclusive. Only that there was a gun involved… and one crazy son of a bitch pulling the trigger.
INSPECTOR SNIPE crouches down to the victim’s body and swipes up some blood on her finger. She sticks the entire finger in her mouth and pulls it out with a pop.
OFFICER 1 What, do you think it was some kind of person who wanted old Butterscotch dead? INSPECTOR SNIPE I can think of fifty people who wanted him dead on this street alone… He’s been running this part of town since… shit. OFFICER 1 Who would do such a thing? INSPECTOR SNIPE That ain’t our job to figure that out no more…
OFFICER 1 looks at her quizzically as she says this isn’t their job to figure out. Arguably, this is their only job. They are the police.
INSPECTOR SNIPE But I think we know someone who just might be able to.
INT. WEASEL DETECTIVE’S APARTMENT – DAY
WEASEL DETECTIVE is sat on his sofa underground, with his little foot paws up on the pouffe. MISS PAPERWEIGHT is in the shower. We can hear the water and see her seductive frame in the background, silhouette style. Wow, she’s gorgeous. WEASEL DETECTIVE is having a lovely cup of tea and some short breads. He dunks one in the tea for too long. It falls off and drops to the bottom of the cup.
WEASEL DETECTIVE (sighing) Blimey.
WEASEL DETECTIVE reaches behind the cushion and pulls out a new packet of biscuits.
WEASEL DETECTIVE One more try.
The phone starts ringing. WEASEL DETECTIVE looks a bit miffed, but answers anyway.
WEASEL DETECTIVE Yello. We hear the muffled sound of speaking. WEASEL DETECTIVE Wow. Not sure this is for me. I’ve got a biscuit. WEASEL DETECTIVE puts down the phone. He then dunks another biscuit into his tea. It falls off.
WEASEL DETECTIVE sighs.
EXT. A NEW YORK ALLEY – DAY
A dramatic shootout. RATCHET CROWBARR and MADRASCO VILLENEUVE chase each other with machine guns, in cars. They spin out. Big crash. Cool explosion. Them and their henchmen escape from the wreckage.
HENCHMAN 1 I’M GONNA GET YOUUUU! HENCHMAN 2 NOT IF I GET YOU FIRST, CUNT! HENCHMAN 1 I’M GONNA KILL YOU.
HENCHMAN 1 starts shooting his machine gun at HENCHMAN 2. They kill each other dead. HENCHMAN 1’s bullets break HENCHMAN 2’s car window, and a bevy of doves fly out. A clock strikes and a church bell starts to ring. A Cuban heeled boot can be seen stepping out of the car and crunching over the broken glass. It’s MADRASCO.
MADRASCO VILLENEUVE (chuckling) For whom the bell tolls. She calls out for your death, meu amigo. RATCHETT CROWBARR Piss off. I’m gonna kill you. MADRASCO VILLENEUVE We have a saying back home. ¿Como matar aquilo que já está morto? RATCHETT CROWBARR Shut up, you cunt. MADRASCO VILLENEUVE In other words: how does one kill that which is already dead? RATCHETT CROWBARR Simple. You kill it twice.
RATCHETT CROWBARR shoots MADRASCO VILLENEUVE in the head, twice. We watch blood pool out of MADRASCO’s head as RATCHETT stands above him.
RATCHETT CROWBARR Time’s up. Ding dong, you big fucker.
CUT TO:
INT. WEASEL DETECTIVE’S APARTMENT – DAY
WEASEL DETECTIVE is sat at home, staring into the bottom of his mug. An empty packet of biscuits litters the seat beside him.
The sound of hit gameshow “Splitting Pennies” is audible in the background: Mate, you’re gonna have to split it. This one’s tough. Could be 50/50. *ominous claxon* HURRY! *a gunshot, followed by a dog whimper* FUCKSAKE! FINE! I’LL SPLIT IT! *light applause* Well, that’s the end of the show, folks. Please do come back next week for more…
WEASEL DETECTIVE turns the TV off and reaches for another biscuit – only to find they are all gone.
WEASEL DETECTIVE Well, that’s the lot.
WEASEL DETECTIVE puts his palms up and stares at them, as if he has blood on his hands, turning his eyes towards the mud ceiling.
WEASEL DETECTIVE I’ve got to stop this from happening every time. It’s getting out of control.
Five loud knocks on the door. BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG.
WEASEL DETECTIVE looks up from his tea.
WEASEL DETECTIVE Who could that be?
Five more knocks. BANGBANGBANGBANGBANG.
WEASEL DETECTIVE Blimey.
WEASEL DETECTIVE gets up and walks to the door. He opens it to find INSPECTOR SNIPE standing at the door, audibly tutting with a clipboard in her hand.
WEASEL DETECTIVE Hullo, what seems to be the officer, problem? Oops. Did I mess that up? I’m just so tired at the moment. INSPECTOR SNIPE Weasel Detective, you can’t ignore us any longer. We need you. You scored the highest police points at Weasel Detective school. Weasel Detective, you’re the only mind that can crack this case. WEASEL DETECTIVE Blimey. Why? INSPECTOR SNIPE Yep. Everyone at the academy was really impressed by you, Weasel Detective. The force is under some serious strain right now. You’re the only one that can save us. WEASEL DETECTIVE Wow. Do I have to start tonight? It’s just that I was sat on the sofa, that’s all. INSPECTOR SNIPE This can’t wait, Weasel Detective. There’s a murderer on the loose, and they can and will strike again. WEASEL DETECTIVE Oh. Right.
WEASEL DETECTIVE yawns
WEASEL DETECTIVE Let me just put some socks on.
WEASEL DETECTIVE jogs very slowly out of shot and reemerges wearing some novelty socks reading: BEWARE: BISCUIT THIEVES OPERATE IN THIS AREA.
WEASEL DETECTIVE (shrugging) What can I say? I just love them. INSPECTOR SNIPE Oh, you.
INT. INSPECTOR SNIPE’S CAR – DAY
INSPECTOR SNIPE is in the driver’s seat of a Crown Vic, with WEASEL DETECTIVE in the passenger seat. The radio plays soothing classical music. SNIPE lights a cigarette.
INSPECTOR SNIPE Want me to crack the window? WEASEL DETECTIVE Sure. INSPECTOR SNIPE I gotta say… it’s good to have someone riding along for once. You know “police work” and “teamwork” share a few letters. WEASEL DETECTIVE Oh, right. Which ones? INSPECTOR SNIPE Ha. Good one. You see the news about Butterscotch? WEASEL DETECTIVE Yeah, on the weasel TV. INSPECTOR SNIPE Real piece of shit. Used to rule these streets with an iron fist and a smoking gun – used to stiff arm my old man back in the day, you know?
INSPECTOR SNIPE bangs her fist against the car door in frustration, a thousand yard stare reaching out through the windscreen.
INSPECTOR SNIPE (CONTINUED) Came round the house and said that he would be taking out our trash from now on and it would cost 500 bucks a month for the pleasure. Said it was a “business decision” and he wasn’t leaving until he had either my old man’s brains or his John Hancock on the contract. What a life, eh? WEASEL DETECTIVE Not really sure what that means. INSPECTOR SNIPE It was hard, you know. I mean, how’re you meant to keep your nose clean when there’s streets this filthy… and “the man” keeps rubbing ya face in the dirt. WEASEL DETECTIVE Yeah, sure. Mud. INSPECTOR SNIPE Listen, I know you seen some shit in your time. Fuck. This goddamn thing called life, huh? But you know, Weasel Detective, you can always talk t-
The police radio buzzes angrily and she brings it to her mouth.
INSPECTOR SNIPE Snipe, copy. POLICE RADIO We have a Code 2188 downtown, I repeat, a Code 2188 downtown. Address is 28800 Main Street. We need a DCI unit at location, I repeat, a DCI unit at location. INSPECTOR SNIPE Copy. Snipe and partner inbound. WEASEL DETECTIVE What’s that? INSPECTOR SNIPE It means there’s been a crime. WEASEL DETECTIVE Apple crumble... A crime? INSPECTOR SNIPE Let’s just say I think you’re gonna wanna see this…
EXT. A NEW YORK ALLEY – DAY
WEASEL DETECTIVE stands over the crime scene. He points at the pool of blood on the floor, and the man with a bullet-shaped hole in his head. The man is MADRASCO VILLENEUVE.
WEASEL DETECTIVE What’s all that about? INSPECTOR SNIPE Blood, Weasel Detective. Pause. WEASEL DETECTIVE Gross. Pause. INSPECTOR SNIPE What do you think happened here? WEASEL DETECTIVE A murder, probably. INSPECTOR SNIPE But how? WEASEL DETECTIVE Not sure. INSPECTOR SNIPE Do you think he was shot? WEASEL DETECTIVE Dunno. INSPECTOR SNIPE This man must’ve been shot! *she pauses* In the head. WEASEL DETECTIVE Okay? INSPECTOR SNIPE There’s got to be more to this case. WEASEL DETECTIVE Yeah, I s’pose. Can I be by myself please? SNIPE nods knowingly.
Pause. She exits. WEASEL DETECTIVE waits until she is out of sight. He then leaves.
INSPECTOR SNIPE re-enters. She hovers over the body.
RACHET CROWBARR (off camera) I always knew you cunts like to sniff around other people’s business… INSPECTOR SNIPE turns to face where the voice is coming from. RACHET CROWBARR steps out from the shadows. RACHET CROWBARR (CONTINUED) I never expected you to get an actual fucking weasel in here. You fucking cunts. You actually got a weasel. That’s fucking sick. INSPECTOR SNIPE I’m not afraid of you anymore, Rachett. Benny’s gone. I ain’t yours to boss around. RACHETT CROWBARR I guess not… So I suppose you wouldn’t mind me popping into your mother’s shop for a little bit of murder, then? INSPECTOR SNIPE My family is none of your business. RACHETT CROWBARR That’s the thing about crowbars… we can enter other people’s business. All it takes is a little bitta force.
RACHETT CROWBARR hands INSPECTOR SNIPE an envelope full of cash. INSPECTOR SNIPE weighs it in her hands.
RACHETT CROWBARR Some cases are best left unsolved, don’t you think?
We see tears wetten the cheeks of INSPECTOR SNIPE. Off-camera, RACHETT CROWBARR laughs. The heavy sound of footsteps as we fade to black.
INT. WEASEL DETECTIVE’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
WEASEL DETECTIVE and MISS PAPERWEIGHT are climbing into bed. PAPERWEIGHT has her back to the camera and slowly removes her bra. WEASEL DETECTIVE doesn’t notice, and climbs straight into bed. PAPERWEIGHT stands over him and slowly runs her hand through his weasel hair.
WEASEL DETECTIVE Right. You asked for it.
WEASEL DETECTIVE performs oral sex on PAPERWEIGHT for literally hours.
ON-SCREEN: TWO HOURS LATER
PAPERWEIGHT is crumpled in a messy heap on the bed. Pillows are strewn across the room. She’s flushed, sweating, as a cigarette dangles loosely from her bottom lip.
MISS PAPERWEIGHT
Wow. You’re incredible, Weasey. Where do you get it from?
WEASEL DETECTIVE shrugs.MISS PAPERWEIGHT Well baby, who cares… because it’s your turn now.
She begins to sit up, and, moving onto all fours, brings her head towards WEASEL DETECTIVE’s weasel crotch.
WEASEL DETECTIVE (batting her away noncommittally) No – no it’s not. No, thanks. Not in a million years. No, no, no. Not down there.
PAPERWEIGHT looks shocked. WEASEL DETECTIVE then proceeds to perform oral sex on PAPERWEIGHT for literally hours. The sun begins to rise.
INSPECTOR SNIPE knocks on the door.
INSPECTOR SNIPE Weasel Detective? We got another crime. Ready to go?
WEASEL DETECTIVE sighs and puts on his cap. Before walking out the door, he looks to camera. A knowing roll of the eyes.
Credits.
Theme song – ‘A Weasel for all Weasels’ by Nicole ‘The Breasts’ Roberts – plays.
Lyrics:
Crime, crime, crime (Oh dear)
Why, why, why? (We fear)
It’s time, time, time (My dear!)
He flies under the radar,
And ladies he plays hard -
But he ain’t gonna save her,
He’s too tired for that
Watch out, you tricksters
Cause this one’s got whiskers
A paw wrong and you’ll risk the
Skin off ya back
Watch out, watch out,
THE WEASEL’S ABOUT,
And he’s coming to let you knowwww
He’s sick like the measles
A man of the people
Like painters use easels
The cops got this weasel
If you need a man (no mouse)
A weasel (no grouse)
If he’s not playing house
Some broad’s kissing his mouth
So it’s time for a saviour
For chocolatey flavour
If you dunk him too long
Before the end of this song
Just know (just know)
It ends in woe (Oh no)
Oh no (Oh no)
OH NOOOOO!
Don’t stir the pot (the pot)
‘Cause this pure-bred hotshot’s
Taking the spot
From have’s and have-not’s
Cause he’s the top of the top
Solving the case
With spunk on his face
He’s taking you downtown, baby!
Down… TOWN! (assorted moans)
Watch out, watch out,
THE WEASEL’S ABOUT,
And he’s coming to let you knowwww
He’s sick like the measles
A man of the people
Like painters use easels
The cops got this weasel
If you need a man (no mouse)
A weasel (no grouse)
If he’s not playing house
Some broad’s kissing his mouth
So it’s time for a saviour
For chocolatey flavour
If you dunk him too long
Before the end of this song
Just know (just know)
It ends in woe (Oh no)
Oh no (Oh no)
OH NOOOOO!
(Spoken) Book ‘em, boys.
*ten gunshots are heard*